a thought just popped into my head: the reason i write (or type would be more appropriate) on ep, is not so strangers will feel sorry for me. its so i can let out the pain & emotions i have. yes, i am a pessimist...and yes, words are easier said than done. but that's not the whole me.
i am a bright and charming woman with much to offer. i just got this great job that's a whole lot better (paying) than my last. we just rented this great house about 35 minutes from where i work. we have always lived in apartments, but i like having space that is ours...even if it is just rented space. 2 floors, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, a yard that's fenced in, with a playground in the back for my little one. of course the process of moving can be difficult. having to start your (& a family's) life over again in this brand new city. which schools, which day cares, how to get from point A to point B...yada, yada.
will my husband ever finish school. will my husband find a job that he truly loves. will he ever be home with the kids and i more often. will i ever feel at peace with him. will he ever let us be equal partners, raising the children not only on his terms, but on an even playing field w/ me.
these are all questions that need answers, but i'm not going to find them here. i just need a place to rant & rave about my lifestyle and the way i feel about it!
Friday after work. Was hoping that my folks would make allowances & let me have some time for me. That is what they, especially my dad always talk to me about. Getting/making some time for me...in amongst the boys, husband, housework & such. I try to do everything & be everywhere I'm needed at all times. Anyhow, got my hopes dashed when mom told me they were going out to dinner w/ their friends. Damn my parents & their social lives!! So i dropped the big boy off w/ his friend & home i went unwillingly w/ the little one. I dont really know the people they went out to eat w/, nor their daughter who is about my age. The daughter, D, went to the private high school in town, which makes me think shes a snob right away. But its been many years since i was in high school & things change. As they do. D has a daughter, & everyone came over to our house after dinner. So i was supposed to 'entertain' D & her daughter, who is just about my younger boys' age. So i did what a good girl is supposed to do, & entertain. Found out she has addictions like me. Who knew? My bigger boy needed to be picked up @ 10, so i excused myself @ 930, With everyone there still. Kids were tired & cranky of course, it being 930 & all. So I
Was glad to finally b out of there, & waited for the big boy @ the designated place. I was trying to decide whom to tell about my evening: E or my 'friend'. So i texted them both. E was at work & figured he wouldnt text back or would only talk about his nite. My friend/lover texted back 1st. Imagine that! I went over to his house w/o a condom this morning thinking he had it under control...was i wrong! He wanted to soooo bad he bit the pillows on the couch! He wanted to so bad...& so did i. We just confused our signals. So i satisfied him anyway but it was nowhere near the same. Anyhow, E called soon after, & of course he was interested in talking about work, bcuz he was, at work. My friend understood, & i actually had to stop & think about whom to tell about my crappy evening.& of course, my friend was the 1st to respond. Not E. He doesnt text, he calls. I do love my friend....but i cant tell him. He has his own loving family to go home to. Me? I have my boys, & E if he's off work. I hate HATE that fact. E & i have too many years in this relationship, but i have done what i'm doing now b4. Oh yes, i have. I've been bad b4. I know im gonna go in the hospital again
soon...people will find. out about it. Oh, yes...they will.
Previous Poststhe real me, posted November 15th, 2012
tonight, posted May 11th, 2012
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